THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Fox Jokes

Fox Jokes

Q: What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear? 

A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

Q: What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? 

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 

Q: Why did the fox cross the road? 

A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! 

Q: When does a fox go "moo"? 

A: When it is learning a new language! 

Q: Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes? 

A: She was crazy like a fox. 

Q: When do you have to dance like a fox? 

A: When your doing the fox trot. 

Q: How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears? 

A: Be sly as a Fox.

Q: What do you call a fox that can pick up an elephant? 

A: Sir! 

Q: Did you hear about the shapeshifter that met Medusa? 

A: She's now a stone cold fox. 

See more: Funny animal jokes

Fish Jokes Funny

Fish Jokes

What did the fish say when he posted bail? 

"I'm off the hook!" 

Why don't fish like basketball? 

Cause they're afraid of the net 

Which fish can perform operations? 

A Sturgeon! 

What do you call a fish with a tie? 

soFISHticated 

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? 

A Loan shark! 

How do you make an Octupus laugh? 

With ten-tickles 

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? 

Just for the halibut! 

Why don't fish play basketball? 

Because there afraid of the net. 

What do sea monsters eat? 

Fish and ships. 

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? 

Autotuna 

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? 

Because they have their own scales. 

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? 

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish. 

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? 

To fish for compliments. 

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? 

Good morning ladies. 

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? 

Damn! 

Whats the best way to catch a fish? 

Have some one thow it at you. 

How do you make a fish laugh? 

Tell a whale of a tale. 

See more: Funny jokes to tell your friends