THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Fox Jokes

Fox Jokes

Q: What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear? 

A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

Q: What did the grape say when the fox stood on it? 

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 

Q: Why did the fox cross the road? 

A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! 

Q: When does a fox go "moo"? 

A: When it is learning a new language! 

Q: Did you hear about the veterinarian who learned to talk with foxes? 

A: She was crazy like a fox. 

Q: When do you have to dance like a fox? 

A: When your doing the fox trot. 

Q: How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears? 

A: Be sly as a Fox.

Q: What do you call a fox that can pick up an elephant? 

A: Sir! 

Q: Did you hear about the shapeshifter that met Medusa? 

A: She's now a stone cold fox. 

See more: Funny animal jokes

Fish Jokes Funny

Fish Jokes

What did the fish say when he posted bail? 

"I'm off the hook!" 

Why don't fish like basketball? 

Cause they're afraid of the net 

Which fish can perform operations? 

A Sturgeon! 

What do you call a fish with a tie? 

soFISHticated 

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? 

A Loan shark! 

How do you make an Octupus laugh? 

With ten-tickles 

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? 

Just for the halibut! 

Why don't fish play basketball? 

Because there afraid of the net. 

What do sea monsters eat? 

Fish and ships. 

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals? 

Autotuna 

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? 

Because they have their own scales. 

What is the difference between a piano and a fish? 

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish. 

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? 

To fish for compliments. 

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? 

Good morning ladies. 

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall? 

Damn! 

Whats the best way to catch a fish? 

Have some one thow it at you. 

How do you make a fish laugh? 

Tell a whale of a tale. 

See more: Funny jokes to tell your friends

Yo Mama So Strong Jokes Funny

Yo Mama So Strong Jokes 

Yo mama's so strong, she can blow a bubble with a Now-N-Later. 

Yo mama's so strong, she can gargle peanut butter. 

Yo momma so strong, she can do the backstroke in mud 

Yo mama's so strong she can blow a bubble with Jolly Ranchers 

Yo mama so strong she drink Nutella through a straw! 

Yo mama's so strong she makes Chuck Norris look like me. 

Yo momma so strong, that DC Comics wanted her to be Wonder Woman. 

Yo Momma so strong she ran the Boston Marathon wearing ankle weights 

Yo momma so strong I thought she was your dad. 

Yo mama so strong, the last person who hit on her is dead. 

Yo mama so strong she can survive a severe allergic reaction without going to the hospital or an Epi-pen. 

Yo mama so strong she eats jaw breakers like marshmallows. 

Yo momma so strong, she can turn peanuts into peanut butter "You Think You Strong? 

You'll Never Be Half The Man Yo Mama Was! 

Yo mama's fart is so strong, she farted in China and became the reason behind them eyes. 

See more: Best yo mama jokes ever

Yo Mama Science Jokes Funny

Yo Mama Science Jokes

Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection. 

Yo mama is fat that scientists are worried she's helping the earth become a black hole. 

your mom is so stupid she thought she had to go to the dentists to get Bluetooth 

Yo mama so fat, she did a belly flop and 2 weeks later they found water on Mars. 

Yo momma so fat when she bent over people thought she was the full moon. 

yo mama so fat Steven Hawking based his black hole theory on her ass crack. 

Your mama so fat she needs longitude and latitude lines to find her own asshole! 

Yo mama so fat she has her own ozone layer 

Yo mama so fat that she plays hopscotch like this: "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune" 

Yo mama's so stupid that she took her computer to the doctor cause it had a virus! 

Yo mama so small that she can be only seen through an electron microscope. 

Yo momma is so fat, when she falls down it connects North and South America 

Yo mama so fat that when she wore a Blue dress people thought the sky was falling. 

Your mama is so fat when we went on the weight scale It showed the Infinity sign. 

Yo mama is so dumb she got awarded the nobel prize for stupidity. 

your mama is so dirty, when she farted in the liquor store, the CDC came and quarantined everybody. 

Yo mama so fat, she eats soup with the Big Dipper. 

Yo momma so old, she has to see a DINOcologist. 

See more: Your mama jokes

Yo Mama So Hip Jokes That Make You Laugh

Yo Mama So Hip Jokes

Your mom is so hip, she won't even talk to a guy unless he has a man bun. 

Yo momma so hip, she thinks skinny jeans and flannel is business casual. 

Yo mama so hip none of her favorite songs are available on iTunes. 

Yo mama so hip she only buys organic cucumbers in brine because pickles are too mainstream. 

Yo momma so hip, she doesn't need money because she's an urban forager. 

Yo momma so hip she wraps presents in plaid wrapping paper. 

Yo momma so hip, she's a contributor at music blogs like "Gorilla Vs. Bear" and "Stereogum". 

Yo mama so hip that every piece of clothing she has is from a thrift store. 

Yo mama so hip, she had a Tumblr, Blogspot, Wordpress, Ello, and Pinterest account before you did. 

Your mom is so cool, nothing she owns can be found at a mall. 

Yo mama is so hip, she's known for her strong sense of irony and sarcasm. 

Yo mama is so hip, she's a sommelier at a wine bar. 

Yo mama so cool, she has scooter luggage just in case the airport doesn't allow hoverboards. 

Yo mama so hip, shes a vegetarian that grows all her food in a garden. 

Your mama is so hip, she's a political advisor for Bernie Sanders. 

Yo mama is so hip, she has more plaid shirts than yo daddy. 

Yo mama so hip, she only buys fair trade coffee from an indie coffee shop. 

See more: Your momma jokes

Funniest Yo Mama Jokes List

Funniest Yo Mama Jokes List 

Yo momma jokes

Yo mama so fat all she wanted for Christmas is to see her feet.

Yo momma so stupid she stuck a battery up her ass and said, “I GOT THE POWER!”

Yo mama so dumb she thought a tsunami was a kind of Japanese sushi

Yo Momma’s so fat when I told her to touch her toes she said, “What are those”?

Yo mama so fat that she gave Dracula diabetes.

Yo momma is so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”

Yo momma so fat and dumb, she tears apart computers looking for cookies.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, Instagram crashed.

Yo momma is so fat when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.

Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, “We can’t fix it.”

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Yo mama so fat she went to a restaurant and got the group discount.

Yo momma’s so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo mama is so stupid, when they said, “Order in the court,” she asked for fries and a shake.